Lesson #17: Having a Chronic Illness in a Foreign Country Increases Feelings of Isolation and Loneliness

I think the best way to begin this post is by explaining that having endometriosis is very complex. Yes, endometriosis causes pain; but it doesn't just cause pain sometimes. I have chronic pain that can increase or decrease on any given day at any given time, but it's always there. I also deal with incredible fatigue. Sometimes my fatigue feels so overwhelming that I just want to crawl into bed and cry and never leave. Having endometriosis also means that I am always looking for ways to try to "treat" my endometriosis. There is no cure for endometriosis, and I've been to dozens of doctors to try to get help.

Huishan Ancient Village, Wuxi

With that being said, I guess I underestimated how difficult starting over in a country would be with my disease. Back home, I had friends and family who have known me for a while. They have known me since before my endometriosis diagnosis and before my disease got so bad. Starting over here, I've realized that I don't have the energy to go out and socialize most days. Even if I do have the energy, more than likely I will be in too much pain. That's only part of the barrier. The other part is that I have been eating a vegetarian (and as close to plant-based as I can) diet for over a year. I chose to eat this way as my attempt to try to naturally heal my body. So even if people would invite me to things, they probably feel less inclined to since most places here do not have vegetarian or plant-based foods. They do have vegetables on their menus, but who knows how they're prepared. With all my health obstacles, I don't see how I'll ever make any friends here.

Don't get me wrong, I will admit that I am an introvert by nature. However, that doesn't mean that I want to be home alone all the time. For example, today is Easter Sunday in China. Being in a foreign country on a holiday is difficult enough, but this morning I am home alone because I am in too much pain to go to church or anywhere else for that matter. Before my disease progressed to this point, I used to get excited about holidays and special events. Now, I get filled with anxiety and worry that I will be in too much pain on those days, and that I will have to cancel any plans that I have made for the special occasions. I've planned a special trip to Shanghai for my birthday. I want to eat at a vegan restaurant called Happy Buddha and stay at an old British estate in the Former French Concession area. I'm excited, but I also can't shake the fear that I might not feel well enough to enjoy it. So many of my travel memories over the past few years are filled with disappointment about how I didn't feel well enough to do the things that I had wanted to do because I was in pain or too exhausted.

Turtle Head Park, Wuxi

Emotionally, endometriosis has taken it's toll on me. I feel like the disease has taken over my life. It controls me. It controls when I go out, what I eat, and how I feel. The past couple of times that I've suggested going sight-seeing here in Wuxi, I've ended up feeling really sick and in pain. Just yesterday, Tim and I finally got out to see the blossoming trees here. We ended up walking way more than I intended to due to the incredible crowds and traffic congestion. I feel like I failed to plan appropriately. Like it was my fault that I caused myself such incredible pain. Like I never should've gone. That's the other thing that this disease causes me-guilt. I can't say just how many times that I've blamed myself. I blame myself for using chemical products in the past, I blame myself for not eating the right foods, I blame myself for over-exerting myself, I blame myself for making my husband's life more difficult....the list is endless. I diligently ate a whole foods plant-based diet (no oil or treats) for a whole month. I had no pain improvement whatsoever. I truly feel like I have no power to do anything to make myself feel better.

My Classroom

I tried to take Chinese lessons at a learning center here. It was a great opportunity for me to do an exchange. I would teach just one English reading class just once a week for an hour and a half, in exchange for two hours of Chinese lessons. I warned the person who owns the center that I might not be the most reliable person (which I hate having to say now) because of my chronic illness. Nevertheless, he really wanted to set up the arrangement, so I began the lessons. After just two weeks, my body basically gave up on me. It caught a virus, and I was out for a week. Because I feel sick all the time, I often work even though I definitely do not feel "well." I actually got laryngitis, so I couldn't talk. There was no way I could teach classes of 50 students with no voice, so I was essentially forced to take sick days. It honestly felt like a gift that I lost my voice, because I otherwise would've refused to stay home if I could still talk. I know that my body needed that time to do nothing but rest, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating. My disease restricts me from doing the things that I normally would want to do -like take Chinese lessons and build connections. Instead, I have to be the person that stays home alone laying in bed with my heating pad for company.