Lesson #21: How it feels to lose a "father" twice

Today is Father's Day. Father's Day has been kind of a weird holiday for me for most of my life. When I was six years old, I tragically lost my biological father. I lost him at such a young age and he was so ill when it happened, that I was never able to have that seemingly strong father-daughter bond that so many appear to have. The majority of my memories are of him lying sick in bed.  For that reason, I can't honestly say that I've spent my life missing him, as much as feeling as though I've missed out on that strong father-daughter connection that I see in other relationships. In recent years, Father's Day (along with Mother's Day) has also stirred up emotions around Tim and I not being parents. This year, I'm feeling an even greater sense of loss. I feel this loss so strongly for the reasons already mentioned, and because in March I unexpectedly lost my stepfather.

Tom's funeral, March 2020

Tom came into my life when I was around eight years old. Although I sadly don't have a lot of memories of what Tom meant to me back then, I discovered some old pictures when we were going through photos after Tom's death. In one of them, we were at the bowling alley for a birthday party and I was sitting in his lap. When I looked at the picture, I realized that Tom really did fill the need for a father figure in my life at that time. It's apparent that I loved him and trusted him. My mother married Tom when I was ten.

Parents' wedding August 1997

I remember feeling happy. I had "parents" again. Looking back, I realize how much this meant to me. I still haven't been able to drop the habit of saying "parents" instead of "mother." The concept of parents no longer exists in my life. This is a very huge sense of loss for me. Even though Tom was always my "parent" in my mind, I will admit that Tom was never my "father." I know part of the reason is because I remembered my biological father, so I couldn't bring myself to call Tom my father. However, I also think that part of the reason is because Tom was never able to provide that affection, emotional connection, and leadership that father figures ideally give. It hurts me to admit this because I know that Tom wanted me to see him as my father. Some of my favorite memories with Tom are of  Valentine's Day each year. Tom never got into buying gifts for celebrations such as Christmas, birthdays, or anniversaries, but he always remembered Valentine's Day. We could count on him to gift us with cards, flowers, and candies or chocolates each year. I started the habit of saving cards that were given to me around that time. After Tom's passing, I went back and read all the cards that he had given me over the years. In one of the earliest cards that he had given me for Valentine's Day he had written that he hoped that I would see him as my father some day. Reading that card brought me to tears.  I can't help but wonder how Tom felt about our relationship before he passed away. I just hope that he knew how much I loved him and how much he meant to me. With his unexpected passing, I never got the chance to say goodbye or get a feeling of closure. Tom wasn't my "father," but he was my "parent" and my "stepfather," and I certainly didn't love him any less than a father. And even though I regret that I never felt that strong father-daughter bond with Tom, I also know that Tom loved me.  He prayed for me, protected me, provided financially for me, enjoyed spending time with me, encouraged me, and was proud of me. 

Although Tom was always Tom to me and not "Dad," I feel an extreme sense of loss this Father's Day. I see everyone's posts appreciating the "fathers" in their lives. I see the ads reminding us to "remember" our fathers for Father's Day. I also mourn that I have no one to call for Father's Day this year. I also think about how if Tom were here, I would be thinking about what I could get him or do for him to celebrate him for Father's Day. And I also feel sad knowing that because I was living in China the past couple of Father's Days, I have not been able to celebrate Father's Day with Tom for three years now. I miss him so much. 

Interestingly, one of my most touching memories with Tom is on Father's Day when I was in high school. Tom felt disillusioned by the Church, so he chose not to attend church services anywhere. However, since it was Father's Day Sunday, I chose to invite Tom to the service at my church in town. Tom said that he would come. On that Sunday, the service started and Tom had not shown up yet. I began to become a little worried that he had forgotten, but I also knew that he usually arrived late to places. He did end up walking in late. After the service ended, Tom told Laury and me that his truck wouldn't start, which is why he had arrived late. As we walked out, he then showed us that he had ended up driving his tractor to church! I felt so amused and happy all at the same time! He invited Laury and me to ride back home in the tractor with him. I remember everyone laughing and waving goodbye outside the church as we drove away. 

I love you, Tom. I am so thankful that I had you as my stepfather for so many years. Thank you for loving me. Father's Day will never be the same.

Buita's birthday July 2019