Learning How to Live with Purpose

I'm not going to lie - I've been struggling the past few years with how to live a meaningful life in the midst of chronic pain. I'm finding it more and more challenging to spend my time and energy finding ways to serve and love others while dealing with chronic fatigue and pain, scheduling and going to appointments, and researching possible new ways to treat my symptoms. If you've been following my blog, I mentioned in one of my previous posts that I was going to try trigger point injections, as well as dry needling, as possible treatments for my pain. Both attempts at trigger point injections actually caused significantly more pain - in fact, I could barely walk after each injection! The dry needling was not much better - when I went in to the chiropractor's office, she explained to me that she would be inserting tiny needles into my muscles to break up the scar tissue that was restricting movement and nerve connections (yes, I was repeatedly poked with tiny needles). The pain that this treatment caused was actually less than the pain of the trigger point injections. Nevertheless, my pain did not diminish after any of the three attempts; ultimately the chiropractor advised she may be unable to help since I had so much scar tissue that was pulling on my muscles and causing them to shift out of alignment.

Discouraged, I returned to my nurse practitioner (NP) who had me try Valium suppositories. Sadly, as I expected, they did not help with my pain, either. She also referred me back to the Spine Center (where I had my MRI and EMG a few months back). The spine specialist who originally treated me had since notified me by letter that she left, and no one had followed up with me since my EMG (which, by the way, came back normal). So, on Monday, the new specialist, after evaluating me (and taking all previous tests into consideration), gave me a prognosis of sacroiliitis (inflammation of the sacroiliac (SI) joint). She asked me if I'd be willing to come back in and have an injection into my SI joint to definitively diagnose my source of pain, as well as maybe even reduce my pain. I actually just had that appointment this afternoon. It was a much bigger deal than I had expected it to be. I basically was admitted as a hospital patient, then was taken into the room for the procedure, and finally was wheeled out by wheelchair to a "recovery" room. The injection itself wasn't as painful as my trigger point injections had been, but so far I have not experienced any relief in pain. I was told that I will probably experience an increase in pain for the next 24-48 hours, with a decrease in pain after that once the steroid kicks in.

In addition to sending me back to the Spine Center, my NP also noticed that I seemed noticeably more "down" than usual. Though it could've been that I was extremely tired since it was the afternoon and I can barely function through my fatigue, I also can't deny that I struggle with feelings of hopelessness and despair at times. I haven't lived a day without pain in over four years! I want to have the physical and emotional energy to live a full life, and not feel as though I just want to make it through another day at work so that I can go home and lay down.

My NP asked me to set up an appointment with a therapist who works in the same medical building. That appointment was about a week and a half ago. I have talked with counselors and psychologists off and on throughout my life for different reasons, yet I always feel nervous when meeting with one for the first time. Thankfully, she was very nice and made me feel at ease. She suggested that I try yoga and biofeedback to help with my chronic pain. I have never before tried yoga, but I worry that the stretches may not be exactly what my pain issues need. (If anyone knows of any great yoga videos that especially target chronic hip joint pain, please let me know! I'm very interested!) I was aware of Essentrics Classical Stretching, which airs on PBS every morning at 6:30, and which I had tried a couple of times. I also had attended classes at my local community center (while I was still a member). Essentrics is designed to help people of all ages gain mobility, break up scar tissue, and reduce chronic pain symptoms by "strengthening and lengthening". So, as often as I feel motivated to get up in the morning before work, I've been doing these 25-minute exercises. I also purchased an iRelax biofeedback sensor which is designed to help monitor breathing and heartbeat and "train" users to breathe into a relaxed state. I've been using it for 10 minutes a day on most days. Biofeedback is recommended for people who are often anxious and/or have chronic pain. I'm not sure whether or not it's helping yet.

                                             
I'm still continuing with a plant-based diet. Unfortunately, I have not found it easy to work full-time and cook healthy meals due to my chronic pain and fatigue. I truly want to give my body a chance to heal itself, if at all possible, therefore I absolutely cannot compromise on my diet. For that reason, I've committed to three months of meal deliveries (fresh and vegan) from Healthy Meals, Inc. (a local Kansas City-based company). So far, I've been very pleased with my meals! Best of all, I don't have the added stress of wanting to eat healthy but also feeling way too miserable to cook healthy things. I also have continued to take supplements. This past month, I tried Longevity - a blend of thyme, clove, orange, and frankincense essential oils. These softgels were designed to "promote the body's ability to handle damage caused by aging, diet, and the environment while supporting healthy organ function." 

I also took Femigen capsules, which I chose based on a unique herb that is present in this supplement - dong quai root - which I stumbled upon while researching "natural remedies for endometriosis" (as I often do). I, of course, went on the Young Living website and found that they do, in fact, sell a supplement with the dong quai root! The Femigen capsules also contain many other great herbs, including wild yam, black cohosh, clary sage, and cramp bark (among others)! I have to admit, I actually do believe that this supplement helped with my menstrual cramps. I just finished my bottle yesterday so I'll need to order more! The Femigen supplement is designed to help "balance and support the female reproductive system throughout a woman's life."

Maybe after reading this you have an idea of how I feel that my life has been taken over by my chronic condition. It's hard not to feel that I'm living a very selfish life, consumed by my own pain. That's a big reason why I chose to take up blogging again, except this time to share what I have learned about endometriosis. I hope that by sharing my struggles, research, and (hopefully) successes with others, I can somehow bring meaning to my pain. I don't want to feel like everything is just about me, but it often does. In an attempt to find new ways of bringing meaning into my life and living with purpose, I've been reading several books that I hope help to inspire me and give me ideas.

First of all, yes, they are all great books and I would recommend reading all of them if you are also on the same journey as I am. Still, after reading them all, I can't help but feel as though I don't know how to truly live a simple life without completely giving up on my health. Furthermore, I don't know how to have the energy to serve other people in a way that I feel satisfied that I am not just living for myself. I've wanted to be a teacher since kindergarten, so I do believe that one of my major purposes is to teach. For that reason, I will continue teaching for as long as I can, even though I sometimes feel as though I'm not going to make it. I guess, if I had to state it simply, my life does not make sense to me right now. I know it's not for me to make sense of, however, I at least want to know that I am living a meaningful life and fulfilling my purpose on earth. I want to connect with people here and all over the world to know their joys, pains, purposes, and dreams. Instead, I feel isolated in my own tiny world where all I ever seem to think about are my own pains, purposes, dreams, and happiness...

...then again, maybe that's what people think about as they're about to turn 30.